It is less than three weeks until my wedding day, and all that I can do is sit here sleepless in my childhood room, mind running with various thoughts: everything that I have to do before the day, getting married in general, prayer, James KA Smith (an author I’m reading), church friends, jealousy, desire, sex, my parents and time management.
All of these things just turning over and over in my head while time marches on (because seriously, November 15 is going to get here in due time – it is completely out of my control that it will come).
I feel mostly peaceful, but also a sense of the gravity of the situation. This is marriage, for life. This is choosing to unite myself to a man I will live alongside, work alongside, have children with, teach with, be challenged by, be irritated by and give my life to sacrificing to and growing with.
On one hand, it’s rather insane. Who would pledge to do such a thing at 25?
I am young and sometimes reckless. Often uncaring of the needs of others, and sometimes far too much so. I have much to learn about myself and the world.
On the other hand, it is rather insane (yes, I know I’m repeating myself).
I think that all in all it IS crazy to make all of these promises to another human being on your wedding day, knowing full well that you only know them as much as [insert amount of time dating]’s worth of time will tell you, and that is certainly not enough. And it is crazy to vow to love someone at their worst, someone with whom poverty and neediness could become real issues, someone who could become sick and miserable with disease. It is further crazy to get married in a world where we are bombarded by the myths of marriage that so easily persuade us that we are setting ourselves up for a lifetime of wedded bliss. It is crazy to say yes to one person in a consumer culture which so easily invades our minds and tells us that we could be getting a better deal.
I re-iterate: getting married is a crazy idea.
But, I am not approaching this wedding day with fear. A sense of gravity yes, but not fear.
For I know that the Lord walks with me. I know that He desires me to become as much like Christ as I can possibly be. I was made to bear the very image of God and I know and have learned that marriage is one of the best ways to be faced with your sin and selfishness, and to have to step outside of yourself to care for one other human being well. I know and believe that marriage is a gift, that sex is a gift, that child-bearing is a gift. I believe that marriage is beautiful and fun and a part of God’s good creation.
And so I step forward without fear and pray that God becomes greater, and I become less.
Let it be so.